Behavior is not the goal in parenting, even though it’s what most parents are taught to focus on. When parents first come to me, they usually want me to fix their child.
However, what they often mean—though they rarely say it out loud—is this:
-
I want my child to listen the first time.
-
I want them to stop arguing.
-
I want blind compliance without resistance.
In other words, they’re hoping for someone close to a robot:
Input a command, get immediate obedience.
After more than 15 years of working with families, what stands out most is this:
Parents rarely see the part they play in the equation.
So I say this gently—but honestly—when children show ongoing challenging behavior, parents are often 99% of the problem. That’s not about blame. It’s about responsibility, influence, and power because parents are also 99% of the solution. Parents have tremendous influence over their children and not only in a “power over” way.
Furthermore, the adage holds true that the only behavior you can actually change…
is your own.
I wrote more about this in this blog post, “It Starts With US.”
Why Behavior Is Not the Goal In Parenting
What behavior triggers parents more than almost anything else?
Talking back. “Disrespect.”
When this pattern shows up consistently, it’s rarely just a behavior problem.
It’s a relationship problem.
A child who talks back repeatedly is often a child who does not feel:
-
seen
-
heard
-
understood
There has been a rupture in the connection.
Therefore, when parents focus only on stopping the behavior, that rupture doesn’t heal—it widens. Over time, both parent and child become stuck in painful, opposing roles:
-
the “difficult child”
-
the “failing parent”
I hear parents say things like, for example:
-
“She’s just difficult.”
-
“Something is wrong with him.”
But behavior is not the root issue.
👉 Behavior is only the signal of something deeper going on.
When Behavior Becomes the Focus, Brain Development Gets Lost
When I explain brain development to parents, I don’t start with theories because otherwise their eyes would glaze over..
I start with a car.
To begin, think of the brain as having three places someone can be operating from:
1. The Trunk: Full Dysregulation
First, this is the most primitive part of the brain—fight, flight, or freeze.
So, if you were blindfolded, handcuffed, and thrown into the trunk of a car, would you be open to feedback or consequences?
Of course not. You’d be in survival mode.
This is what a child’s nervous system looks like during a meltdown or tantrum.
2. The Backseat: Emotional Reactivity
Second, this is the place where emotions and memories live (the amygdala and hippocampus).
It’s an insecure place—anxious, reactive, repetitive.
Imagine when a child is on a long car ride asking, “Are we there yet?” “Are we there yet?”
There’s emotion here, not logic.
3. The Driver’s Seat: Executive Functioning
Finally, this is where skills like:
-
impulse control
-
problem-solving
-
planning
-
emotional regulation
actually live.
Nevertheless, this is where parents expect children to be when they say,
“Just calm down and listen.”
However, here’s the core truth:
You cannot access the driver’s seat from the trunk.
Regulation Before Cooperation
Therefore, when parents try to reason with a dysregulated child, nothing happens.
Absolutely nothing.
The child’s brain is offline.
All the explaining, negotiating, threatening, and lecturing doesn’t teach a lesson—it escalates the situation. The child stays dysregulated. The parent becomes increasingly frustrated and angry. The child pulls away and the parent pulls away.
This is where many parents feel like they’re failing.
They’re doing what they were taught to do:
-
talk it through
-
apply consequences
-
insist on compliance
But brain development doesn’t work that way.
Regulation has to come before cooperation.
It is not because behavior doesn’t matter—but because behavior cannot change until the nervous system is regulated enough to learn.
When parents shift from asking:
“How do I stop this behavior?”
to:
“How do I help my child feel safe and regulated enough to come back online?”
Everything changes.
The parents’ role becomes nervous system leadership, not control.
Why This Is Not Permissive Parenting
Emotionally, this is a sticking point for most parents.
There’s a powerful internal message that says:
If I don’t punish this behavior, I’m a bad parent.
Parents worry they’re being permissive or letting their child “get away with it.”
But here’s the distinction that matters:
-
Permissive parenting avoids limits.
-
Regulation-focused parenting builds the internal capacity to hold limits.
Children supported in regulation do not become entitled or passive.
Instead they develop:
-
an internal locus of control
-
self-direction
-
intrinsic motivation
They learn right from wrong, not through fear, but through understanding.
Still not convinced and want to learn more about why punishment doesn’t work? Read more about it here.
Compliance may look like success in the short term, but regulation builds something far more durable.
The Long Game of Parenting
When behavior is the goal, parents may get obedience—
however, it’s often at the cost of connection.
In contrast, when the relationship is the goal, behavior improves as a byproduct.
It can be challenging to do, but it makes sense that children who feel emotionally safe don’t need to fight for power.
They trust the relationship enough to cooperate—meaningfully, not blindly.
Parenting was never meant to be about shaping behavior in isolation.
It’s about helping a developing brain learn how to:
-
feel
-
recover
-
reflect
-
choose
That work is slower.
It’s deeper.
And it’s what lasts.
Why Behavior Is Not the Goal in Parenting
In summary, behavior is not the goal in parenting, even though it is often what draws the most attention. While behavior is the most visible part of parenting, it is actually shaped by what is happening underneath—in a child’s nervous system, emotional world, and developing brain.
Therefore, when parents shift their focus from controlling behavior to supporting regulation and connection, they create the conditions where lasting change can occur.
Over time, this relationship-centered approach not only reduces power struggles but also helps children build the internal skills needed for emotional regulation, cooperation, and resilience—skills that matter far beyond any single moment of compliance.
If this perspective resonates with you—and you’re ready to shift from managing behavior to building real connection—I created something to help.
The Connected Parent Blueprint
A simple, practical guide that walks you through three easy steps to become a more connected, grounded parent—without permissive parenting or power struggles.
