We’ve all been there. An older brother is bothering his younger brother and won’t stop. Now older brother is on top of the younger brother jumping on him. They’re both screaming. It’s loud and chaotic, and you want it to stop NOW. So you yell, “If you don’t stop bothering your brother, then I’m taking away your Ipad.” Immediately, the older brother stops, and finally, there’s quiet. Punishment. It’s full-proof. The threat got him to stop for the moment, but what have they learned, and did it stop the behavior long-term?
Children need discipline
Children need guidance and direction. We all can agree that our children learn right from wrong and how to interact in the larger world. The majority of us agree that is through discipline. However, for too long, punishment and discipline have been used as interchangeable terms when in actuality, they are opposites. Punishment is causing deliberate harm (whether we’d like to admit it or not) as retribution for whatever offense they’ve made (in the above scenario, the crime is chaos/loudness). In other words, we make something terrible happen to our kids as a way to make them “pay” for what they did. Discipline guides children in understanding the difference between right and wrong and taking responsibility for their actions.
Punishment is the opposite of discipline.
Punishment isn’t effective in teaching right from wrong or accountability. All children learn from punishment is to avoid the penalty. It doesn’t lead or guide our children towards any healthy or prosocial direction. Instead, they learn to solve problems using power and control (bribes, threats, lying, and manipulation). That’s why kids will say, “I’ll do ______ if you give me this.” They learned it from you. Often punishments that worked for a while start not to work, and you end up having to take it up a notch. I’ll say that again; you end up having to inflict more harm or fear on your child for a behavior that isn’t stopping with the first punishment you try. How does that sound? What do you think your relationship with your child will be like when they’re an adult?
What punishment does to children:
- It develops children who become more selfish and less empathetic to others. When children are punished, they focus on what’s happening to them rather than how their behavior affects others.
- Punishment encourages children to lie. Children naturally want to please, so rather than avoid the behavior you are trying to stop, they’ll lie to avoid the punishment.
- Punishment shames the child and makes them feel bad about themselves, not what they did. Kids already feel upset when they do something wrong, so punishment reinforces the thought that they deserve it and must be bad.
- Punishment doesn’t address what’s underneath the behavior. Behavior is how children express their feelings and their unmet needs. They need adults to help attach words to their behaviors.
- Children don’t learn to take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they see avoiding the behavior as out of their control, so they blame others for their behavior.
- Punishment, even time-outs and taking away privileges, damages our relationship with our child. When we punish, we become adversaries with our children rather than their team. When children feel like we’re not on their team, their motivation to please their parents is gone. That is the death of cooperation.
Unfortunately, many of us were raised in an environment where punishment was the only way to control behavior, but there is another gentler way. So that’s what I do; I show parents another way, starting with a mindset shift. When we know better, we do better.
Book a free discovery call to begin your mindset shift, 203-295-4787.
