I felt so confident when I became pregnant with my first child. I was ready. I felt like, “I got this!” However, my firstborn had other plans for me. She rocked my world in so many different ways. She was a force with which to reckon!
I had to learn a new way.
Everything I learned through my training and work experience; didn’t work. I thought that my instincts would kick in. But those didn’t seem to come either. When my daughter was a baby, we felt so out of sync. Then when she became a toddler, we had battles daily. I couldn’t understand because it didn’t seem this complicated for other people. I needed a different way of interacting with her because there was no way I was breaking her spirit.
The old ways weren’t going to cut it.
She woke me up in the best way possible. I realized the strategies and techniques didn’t work because I wasn’t human with her. I couldn’t use my past coping mechanisms like keeping a routine, organizing, making charts, or reading as many books as possible. Motherhood wasn’t like acing a test or killing a work presentation. It left me completely raw and vulnerable until I realized it wasn’t just me teaching her things. She was a person with thoughts, ideas, and preferences. So she was also teaching me (when I finally let her). We were on this journey together. It was freeing in a way. I didn’t need to know everything and constantly be in control.
We need to look at ourselves.
I began to “see” this more and more in my job as well. Parents and teachers came to me saying, “fix this child.” I couldn’t unsee what I knew to be true that it starts with us. We need to yield to the more vulnerable population and look at how our thoughts, feelings, and actions impact our children.
Often in my work, I find it isn’t the child. A parent or teacher identifies one child as the “PROBLEM” in the family or classroom, respectively. However, the “problem child” manifests discomfort or uncomfortable energy through outward behavior. Most people or kids can keep it inside, but those strong-willed, empathetic kids notice what’s happening in their environment and tend to let it out.
Their behaviors tend to be annoying, bothersome, and downright frustrating. They seem to meltdown or fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. So we focus on those behaviors and want them gone! “They’re so difficult!” we say. It’s THEM.
What are we bringing to the table?
It’s much easier to blame the child and look to “fix” them rather than look at what we are bringing to the table. But, just like our children, we have a choice in how we behave. Unfortunately, we forget this when our kiddos are pushing us over the edge. But especially in those moments, it doesn’t start with them; it starts with US.
You need “this” for positive parenting.
Right about the time my daughter and I were consistently battling is when I found positive parenting. I love positive parenting; however, I firmly believe it’s impossible to practice positive parenting if you are unaware of how you show up in a relationship with your child. When we as parents are not conscious of ourselves and what we bring to the relationship, how we are triggered, our pasts, we can feel stuck. We say, “This stuff doesn’t work!”
Challenge yourself every day
You have to challenge yourself every day to show up, being present and vulnerable. Of course, every day won’t be your best day, but I guarantee that if you keep showing up for your child, you’ll get stronger, your bond will get more profound, and you’ll find more bits of magic and joy with your child each day. You’ll have more good days than bad. My daughter is 11 now, and I am so grateful for the bond we now share; and I feel excited for what’s to come. When she has a problem, she runs towards me rather than away from me. I shudder to think where we would be if I had continued to be unaware of how I was showing up in our relationship.
