crying and whining in the grass
We’ve become obsessed with our children’s behavior, but not in a good way. Our homes have become places where we police rather than share our priorities, concerns, and values. We focus on our kid’s behavior because we think it reflects our own identity rather than a way for actual communication and connection.
Behavior is not random. There is always a reason, function, or unmet need underneath our behavior. Why else would we repeat the behavior? There are four widely accepted functions of behavior (SEAT). Behavior expresses a Sensory need, a need to Escape a task or a person, a need for Attention, or finally, to get a Tangible item.
So, Why Is It So Hard to See What’s Underneath Our Kid’s Behavior?
We experience lots of negative feelings and insecurities when our children misbehave. To eliminate those negative feelings and insecurities, we look to stop our child’s behavior. Then we do not have to feel so uncomfortable. We also often think our children’s behavior reflects on our own identity. Our children’s obedience becomes a reflection of how good a parent we are. In essence, we are prioritizing our interests over that of our children.
What’s underneath the behavior?
What Happens When We Don’t Understand What’s Underneath Our Kid’s Behavior?
Most parents believe that if we ignore the misbehavior, the behavior will persist. This is faulty thinking based on parental fear, again driven by our own negative emotions and insecurities. The reality is that what you focus on, you get more of, so by focusing on the misbehavior and not the reason behind it, you enforce the misbehavior (hitting, whining, disrespect). Enter my three friends blame, shame and guilt. And you’re left feeling annoyed with your child because the behavior persists, and you blame him, and your child is left feeling alone, ashamed, and misunderstood.
Why It’s Important To Think About What’s Underneath the Behavior?
When we can ignore our children’s misbehavior (if it’s not dangerous) and focus instead on why they act that way, we can help them recognize and deal with the root of the behaviors. When we focus on what’s underneath the behavior, our child feels loved and understood. A child who feels loved and understood can better regulate himself because he knows he’s not a bad kid; he’s a loveable kid having a hard time. A child who feels loved and understood has fewer unmet needs and misbehaves less because he doesn’t need the attention.
It all starts with one conversation. First, you tell me about what you’ve tried, what you’re struggling with, and where you want to be. Then, I’ll show you the blind spots and areas of focus that I see. The impact of having space and time to talk to an expert about your parenting struggles and where you want to be is immense regardless of whether we work together or not; you in? Schedule a call with me today, info@caitlyndunncounseling.com.
