By Caitlyn Dunn, LCSW
Word Count: 1837
Let’s open up some myths about emotional regulation in children!
Picture this: you’re in the parenting trenches, trying to keep cool while your little ones run amok. You’ve probably heard all sorts of advice about how children should have the emotional regulation of a Zen master by the time they hit kindergarten. But let me tell you, that’s like expecting a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow – nice in theory, but not exactly realistic or developmentally appropriate. It’s a total myth about what emotional regulation looks like in children!
See, here’s the scoop: many of us parents are unwittingly signing up for a wild goose chase regarding perfect behavior. We’re told that if our kids just behave like little angels, everything else will fall into place. But guess what? Life with kids is more like herding cats than conducting a symphony orchestra. And expecting them to have perfect self-regulation from the get-go is like asking a puppy not to chew your favorite slippers – it’s bound to happen!
So, let’s tackle these myths head-on, shall we? Because the truth is, navigating the ups and downs of emotional regulation in children is more like riding a rollercoaster than sailing on calm seas. But fear not, my fellow parents! We’re in this together, armed with humor, patience, and a healthy dose of reality. So grab your coffee (or maybe something a bit stronger), and let’s dive into the world of childhood emotional regulation – myths, mishaps, and all!
Myth #1: Children should be able to control their emotions.
Ah, this old chestnut! The idea that kids should have the emotional composure of a seasoned diplomat is about as outdated as VHS tapes and dial-up internet. Let’s face it, expecting our little ones to have a handle on their emotions at all times is like expecting a puppy not to wiggle with excitement when you walk through the door – it’s just not gonna happen!
The myth usually goes something like this: children should be seen and not heard. They should automatically know how to behave like tiny adults, whether they’re at school, in the library, or even at a formal event. But let me tell you, based on my over 15 years of experience and recent brain research, that’s not realistic.
So, why do some folks still cling to this myth? Well, it’s often because old-school parenting was all about fear and control. Back in the day, kids were expected to toe the line out of sheer terror, not because they had mastered the art of emotional regulation. Plus, let’s be real here – parenting is tough! It’s tempting to wish for the days when children were seen and not heard, just to make our lives a little easier.
But here’s the truth bomb: there are no shortcuts when it comes to teaching kids how to manage their emotions. Children learn through experiences, practice, and yes, plenty of trial and error. And here’s the kicker: having a well-behaved child isn’t a gold star that proves you’re acing this whole parenting thing. It’s just one tiny piece of a much bigger puzzle.
So, let’s ditch the idea of perfect self-control and embrace the chaos! Because the real takeaway here is that parenting isn’t about molding little robots – it’s about guiding our kids through life’s ups and downs with patience, empathy, and maybe a sprinkle of humor along the way.
Myth #2: Emotional regulation in childhood is either something you have or don’t have, with no room for improvement.
Prepare to have your mind blown! This myth is a real head-scratcher, especially for those who have dipped their toes into the murky waters of psychological disorders like ADHD or been constantly told there’s something wrong with their child- too impulsive, too loud, or too dramatic. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if your child struggles with emotional regulation, well, tough luck – they’re just wired that way, right? Wrong!
You see, many people mistakenly believe that the goal of emotional regulation is to become some sort of emotionless robot. But let me set the record straight: having emotions doesn’t make you weak, and being able to regulate them doesn’t mean you’re devoid of feeling. In fact, someone with stellar emotional regulation skills still experiences the full spectrum of emotions – they just know how to navigate them like a seasoned sailor on choppy seas.
So, here’s the scoop: emotional regulation is not a fixed trait. It’s a skill, my friend – one that can be honed and refined over time. Think of it like learning to ride a bike or mastering the art of tying your shoelaces. It takes practice, patience, and maybe a few scraped knees along the way, but eventually, you’ll get the hang of it. Remember, you have to lose control to learn how to stay in control.
The truth is, your child’s emotional regulation is not set in stone. They have the power to learn and grow. So, don’t lose hope! With the right guidance and support, your child can develop the tools they need to navigate life’s emotional rollercoaster with confidence and grace. It’s all about embracing the journey and celebrating those small victories along the way.
Now, let’s delve into another common misconception that might have you scratching your head.
Myth #3: Punishment is the most effective way to teach emotional regulation in children.
I can totally understand why someone would believe that punishments like time-outs, taking things away, and yelling might be an effective way to teach emotional regulation, especially if you think it’s a fixed trait and that children should just know how to behave. It’s a common misconception, and while punishments might seem like they work, let me tell you why this myth needs to be debunked.
Expanding on the myth, punishments or threats might seem like they’re working as your child is quiet in church or well-behaved at school. However, emotional regulation goes beyond just compliance; it’s about the child understanding what their body feels like in different situations, taking accountability for their actions, and knowing how to advocate for their needs.
The reality is that punishments just make a child push down or suppress whatever feelings they may have. While it might provide temporary relief or compliance for the parent, it hinders the child’s personal growth by preventing any learning or development of coping skills. In fact, punishments actually prevent the child from learning any coping skills as they activate the survival system in the brain, encouraging your child to think less and react more (aka be impulsive) in situations. In addition, with punishments, your child focuses more on your behavior than their own.
But fear not! By confronting the myth that punishment is the most effective way to teach emotional regulation, you’re taking a vital step towards more connection with your child and a better long-term relationship. By understanding that punishments are really just coming from a dysregulated parent, you can embrace finding your own composure first and using a collaborative problem-solving process with your kids. You teach emotional regulation skills by modeling them.
By embracing this change, you can build a better relationship with your child, help them gain a deeper understanding of themselves, and foster a more empowered relationship with their emotions. So, let’s kick punishment to the curb and pave the way for a more nurturing and effective approach to emotional regulation!
Myth #4: Emotional regulation skills aren’t important until children are older.
In a world that often encourages us to sweep our emotions under the rug to maintain a facade of composure, it’s no wonder that the myth of emotional regulation skills being unimportant until children are older has gained traction.
But let’s peel back the layers, shall we? It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that kids having perfect behavior means they’re set as adults, especially when there’s a heavy emphasis on solely academic achievement over everything else, including mental health, mental well-being, relationships, learning, and innovation. After all, the stakes are high when there’s a false belief that there’s a narrow path to success: college or McDonald’s?
However, as someone deeply immersed in the field, I can attest that the path to effective parenting is far more nuanced. While I understand why parents might prioritize perfect behavior and academic success, it’s equally crucial to acknowledge and navigate the complexities of our emotions and the relationships we’re building with our children.
Society’s constant promotion of perfect behavior in children, coupled with the relentless focus on academic prowess, can inadvertently create the illusion that anything less than perfection is a failure. The fear that acknowledging emotions is some sort of Pandora’s box where all hell will break loose might also fuel the perpetuation of this myth. It’s inaccurate that as soon as you or your child is emotional, you’re somehow less or failing.
But here’s the truth bomb: even though your friends, your partner, your mom, or society at large may be telling you that you must maintain a robot-like composure at all times, that’s actually not good emotional regulation. Emotions are meant to be felt, processed, and managed by healthy coping skills aligning with our values. Avoiding stress is impossible, but we can adjust our relationship with it and that needs to happen from a young age.
The reality is that true effective parenting lies in the relationship you have with your child. Parenting is a lifelong journey, not a sprint. And let’s be real – perfect behavior doesn’t equate to perfect emotional regulation skills. Emotional regulation is about finding a balance that promotes authenticity and resilience, not just compliance. So, let’s ditch the myth and embrace the messy, beautiful journey of parenting with all its ups and downs.
Continuing to let these myths dictate our parenting could lead to perpetuating a cycle of unrealistic expectations and missed opportunities for genuine connection. It’s never too late to challenge these myths and pave the way for being the effective parent you always wanted to be, where your child becomes an emotionally mature, resilient, functioning adult with healthy relationships.
Let us collectively challenge the harmful notion that children should always be able to control their emotions, that emotional regulation is fixed, that it’s solely the child’s responsibility or that emotional regulation skills aren’t crucial until children are older. Instead, let’s embrace the truth that emotional regulation is a skill that can be developed, nurtured, and improved over time.
Breaking free from the shackles of these myths empowers you to foster deeper connections with your child, promote their emotional well-being, and, ultimately, guide them toward a more joyous and fulfilling life.
Parenting can feel like navigating a maze with no map. Whether you’re struggling with tantrums, constant arguments, or embarrassing behavior in public, know that you’re not alone. I support mothers craving a harmonious family environment by helping them escape the bottomless pit of anxious parenting. Click here to understand the exact steps you need to raise your kids your way. Schedule a free 45-minute consultation by clicking here. Let’s embark on this journey together towards a more peaceful and fulfilling family life.
