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By Caitlyn Dunn, LCSW
Children’s behavior can be aggravating, especially when it’s at odds with how you think they should act. Forget about it. All hell can break loose. In this blog, we’ll delve into the intricacies of children’s misbehaviors, explore the significance of parenting beyond shaping our children’s behavior, and provide practical insights to help you parent effectively.
Let’s begin by demystifying children’s challenging behaviors. At its core, children’s misbehavior plays an essential role in their development. From learning what is safe to learning how to communicate to get their needs met, understanding the different facets of children’s misbehavior is crucial for anyone seeking to be the parent they always wanted to be with a warm and loving relationship with their child.
This blog will equip you with the knowledge and tools to parent effectively. Let’s get started!
Beyond Shaping Behavior: Back to Basics
Important Functions of Behavior
Let’s Break It Down: The Different Aspects of Parenting Beyond Behavior Management
How to Get Started with
Where Can I Learn More
FAQs
Key Takeaways
Beyond the Blog – Getting Individual Support
Beyond Shaping Behavior: Back to Basics
What is beyond shaping behavior? It’s thinking about behavior as communication. Understanding the basics is the first step towards nurturing healthy child development and fostering positive connections with your children.
So, what exactly is behavior as communication? In simple terms, it’s the idea that children’s actions and reactions are their way of expressing themselves and communicating their needs, feelings, and experiences. A tremendous amount of learning comes from making mistakes. Adults often call these mistakes “bad behavior” or “misbehaviors.” But when your child acts out or displays challenging behaviors, they’re not just being “bad” or “difficult”; they’re trying to tell you something important about who they are and what they’re dealing with.
For instance, children learn the meaning of yes by declaring no. They learn the meaning of yours by proclaiming mine. Our responses to misbehavior teach children how to meet their needs and what thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are appropriate toward others.
Now, let’s go deeper. At its most fundamental level, behavior as communication is about recognizing that every behavior has a purpose and understanding the underlying messages behind those behaviors. It’s about tuning into your child’s emotional world and meeting their needs with empathy and understanding.
Essential Functions of Misbehavior
Navigating the world of challenging childhood behaviors is more accessible when you have a solid grasp of what functions these behaviors serve. Let’s break down some key elements to enhance your understanding:
Function #1: Safety
Through misbehavior, children learn about safety. They are not born knowing to stay on the sidewalk or not to touch a hot stove. The only way is to run towards these dangers and get feedback from their “peers” or parents. From your response, your child learns what is safe and what is not.
Function #2: Communication to Get Their Needs Met
This function involves children using their behaviors to communicate their needs, desires, or discomfort. It’s their way of saying, “I need help,” “I want something,” or “I want you.” For instance, when a child throws a tantrum because they want a cookie or ice cream for breakfast, they use their behavior to communicate their cravings or preferences. Our response matters because it is our response that teaches our children a more appropriate way to get their needs met. If we give them a cookie or ice cream, we teach them they can get what they want when they scream and yell. Contrarily, if we punish them or are harsh for expressing their wants, they learn to push down their likes/cravings and begin to feel guilt or shame for wanting things.
Function #3: Learning Appropriate Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors Towards Others
This function revolves around children learning what is socially acceptable regarding their interactions with others. It encompasses developing empathy, understanding boundaries, and navigating social dynamics. For example, when a child says hurtful things like “Brynn is stupid, and I hate her,” and a parent responds, “Is that nice? Is that how we talk about other people?” This judgemental response teaches the child nothing about appropriate ways to express frustration. Children vent their frustration with others as well as they can. It’s our job to teach them a better way to express themselves.
Function #4: Saying Yes to Healthy Things and No to Unhealthy Things
This function of misbehavior involves children learning the power of assertiveness and setting boundaries. It’s about understanding when to say yes to beneficial things and no to harmful things. For instance, children learn about saying no from the type of discipline they experience from their parents. Learning to say no also involves learning to accept no from others. If you hurt children when you say no, you teach them to hurt others with their noes. Contrarily, if you always cave in when your children plead, you fail to teach them how to accept or give a meaningful no.
Function #5: Understanding Personal Responsibility
Responsibility is the ability to respond appropriately in the moment. Children who misbehave often struggle with knowing how to respond effectively. They are saying with their behavior, “I have no idea how to respond now. I need help.” Shame never helps us to be accountable for our actions and choices. Instead, shame or blame motivates us to hide, lie, and suppress our thoughts and emotions.
Function #6: Distinguishing Between Personal and Others’ Business
This function helps children be empowered to listen to their intuition. It fosters a sense of autonomy and empowers them to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and actions rather than blaming others for their behavior. For example, the infamous “Sarah made me do it” is an excellent opportunity to help your child learn how to listen to themselves and make decisions based on the confidence of their inner world.
Function #7: Cultivating Self-Awareness and Self-Reflection
Challenging behaviors allow children to learn about themselves, their emotions, and their triggers. Through moments of losing control, they gain insights into their behavior and develop self-regulation and emotional intelligence skills. Furthermore, as parents, these moments serve as valuable teaching moments for nurturing self-awareness and self-reflection in our children.
Let’s Break It Down: The Different Aspects of Parenting Beyond the Shaping of Behavior
Understanding the various facets of parenting beyond conditioning behavior is critical to mastering its nuances. Let’s delve into the different aspects that make up this transformative subject:
Key Principles
Parenting beyond shaping behavior is often regarded as a holistic approach to nurturing healthy child development is also underpinned by several fundamental principles:
- Emotional Intelligence involves recognizing and validating children’s emotions, teaching them how to identify and express their feelings, and fostering empathy toward others.
- Connection and Communication: Prioritizing meaningful connections with your child through active listening, open dialogue, and building trust-based relationships.
- Individualized Support: Understanding that each child is unique and requires personalized approaches to meet their needs, strengths, and challenges.
Common Challenges
While parenting beyond behavior conditioning offers a holistic and nurturing approach to raising resilient children, it also has its barriers. Here are some common obstacles that you may encounter:
- Patience and Consistency: Maintaining patience and consistency in implementing positive parenting strategies can be difficult, especially during challenging moments when it’s easy to default back to how you were raised or yell and explode.
- Self-Reflection and Growth: It is hard to engage in self-reflection and personal growth to overcome ingrained parenting patterns or beliefs that may hinder progress. For this reason, we often do not realize how our mindset or childhood hangups affect our parenting.
- External Pressures: Navigating societal expectations, peer influences, and external pressures that may contradict or undermine your parenting values and principles. For example, it’s so easy to get caught up in “keeping up with the Joneses” that we can lose sight of who our kids are.
How To Get Started With Parenting Beyond Shaping Behavior
Getting started by looking beyond policing behavior can be a transformative journey toward becoming the responsive parent you’ve always wanted to be. Here is how you can get started:
Step #1: Engage in Reflective Writing.
Take a few moments each day to journal about your experiences with your child’s behavior. Reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and reactions when they exhibit challenging behaviors. Consider what underlying needs or emotions might be driving their actions. It’s important to realize that journaling can be a powerful tool for exploring and deconstructing our stories, leading to deeper insights and understanding.
Step #2: Practice Focus
Shift your focus from what you don’t want to happen to what you do want to happen. Instead of dwelling on the negative behaviors, focus on positive outcomes and desired behaviors. Celebrate small victories and moments of cooperation or understanding with your child. By consciously directing your attention, you empower yourself to cultivate a more positive and proactive approach to parenting.
Step #3: See Through Their Eyes
Try to see situations from your child’s perspective. Consider the functions of misbehavior or interpret their behavior in the most generous light possible. This empathetic approach can help you better understand their motivations and needs, fostering deeper connection and communication between you and your child.
Step #4: Seek Support
Consider seeking support from a qualified parent coach or mental health professional specializing in childhood mental health. Parenting can be challenging, and it’s okay to ask for help. A supportive coach or therapist can provide guidance, strategies, and reassurance as you navigate the complexities of parenting beyond behavior oversight. Investing in your well-being and growth as a parent is invaluable for creating a nurturing and harmonious family environment. You can learn more about my services here. It’s important to note that you’re not alone on this journey; seeking support shows strength and commitment to your child’s well-being.
Where Can I Learn More
To deepen your understanding of parenting beyond handling behaviors, explore the following resources that cover a spectrum of insights and expertise:
Books:
- “The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: This book offers practical strategies based on neuroscience to help parents understand and respond effectively to their child’s emotional and behavioral challenges.
- “Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive” by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell: Exploring the connection between a parent’s own experiences and their parenting style, this book provides insights into building secure attachments and promoting healthy child development.
- “No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Offering a compassionate and scientifically informed approach to discipline, this book empowers parents to teach their children self-control, resilience, and empathy.
- “Raising Human Beings” by Dr. Ross Greene. A practical, doable guide to creating a collaborative partnership with your child.
Articles & Blog Posts:
“Understanding Your Child’s Behavior: A Basic Primer” by Child Mind Institute: This article overviews common childhood behaviors and offers insights into their underlying reasons. https://childmind.org/article/understanding-childs-behavior-basic-primer/
Websites & Blogs:
- The Gottman Institute: Known for their research-based approach to relationships, The Gottman Institute provides valuable insights and resources for parents looking to build solid and healthy connections with their children. https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-intelligence-creates-loving-supportive-parenting/
- Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare: Janet Lansbury’s blog focuses on respectful parenting practices and offers practical advice for navigating common challenges with empathy and understanding. https://www.janetlansbury.com/
Free Resources, Ebooks & PDFs:
- “Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Parenting” by The Gottman Institute: This free downloadable resource provides parents with practical strategies for helping children understand and regulate their emotions, fostering emotional intelligence and resilience. https://www.gottman.com/parents/emotion-coaching/
FAQs
Here are some frequently asked questions (FAQs) related to parenting beyond behavior management:
What is the difference between traditional discipline and parenting beyond shaping behaviors?
- Parenting beyond behavior management emphasizes understanding the underlying reasons behind children’s behaviors and addressing their emotional needs rather than solely focusing on controlling or punishing their actions. It involves nurturing healthy child development, fostering emotional intelligence, and building solid parent-child connections.
How can I determine the root causes of my child’s challenging behaviors?
- Understanding the root causes of your child’s challenging behaviors involves observing patterns, considering their emotional and developmental needs, and exploring possible triggers or underlying emotions. It requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to look beyond surface-level behaviors to identify what your child may be trying to communicate. It also takes a willingness to examine your behavior, family dynamics, and communication patterns that might contribute to or exacerbate the challenging behavior.
What are some practical strategies for parenting beyond behavior management?
- Practical parenting strategies beyond behavior management include promoting emotional regulation through modeling and teaching coping skills, fostering open communication and active listening, setting clear and consistent boundaries, and prioritizing connection and relationship building with your child.
How can I maintain consistency in my parenting approach while adapting to my child’s needs?
- Maintaining consistency in parenting involves setting clear expectations and boundaries while remaining flexible and responsive to your child’s unique temperament, developmental stage, and changing circumstances. It requires balancing structure with empathy and understanding, adjusting your approach to support your child’s growth and well-being.
What resources are available to support me in my parenting journey beyond behavior management?
- Various resources, including books, articles, websites, online courses, and support groups, provide guidance and insights into parenting beyond behavior management. These resources offer practical tips, evidence-based strategies, and opportunities for learning and growth as you navigate the complexities of raising emotionally healthy and resilient children.
Key Takeaways
In this blog post, we’ve explored the concept of parenting beyond behavior management, delving into the root causes of childhood challenges and offering insights into nurturing healthy child development. The main takeaway is that understanding children’s behaviors as communication is essential for effective parenting. Parents can foster deeper connections with their children and promote their overall well-being by looking beyond surface-level behaviors and addressing the underlying needs and emotions driving them.
- Children’s behaviors serve various functions, including communication of needs, emotions, and experiences.
- Parenting beyond behavior management involves recognizing and addressing the root causes of challenging behaviors rather than focusing on squashing behaviors.
- Practical strategies such as reflection, focusing on positive outcomes, and empathy can support parents in navigating childhood challenges.
- Seeking support from qualified professionals and utilizing resources like books, articles, and online communities can provide valuable guidance and insights.
- Consistency, empathy, and understanding are vital in maintaining positive parent-child relationships and promoting healthy development.
Actionable Step:
- Practice reflective journaling: Take a few minutes each day to reflect on your interactions with your child and explore the underlying emotions and needs driving their behaviors. This can help you gain insights and respond more effectively to their needs. What are they trying to communicate to you? In a similar way, what are you communicating to them?
Beyond the Blog – Getting Individual Support
