What if we focused more on mothering our kids than on parenting them. It may seem a slight difference, but words matter. The words parenting and mothering have two very different sentiments. Parenting evokes this sentiment of protection and guidance. It has a hierarchical and masculine nature to it. When we parent, there is this sense of being above our children. Whereas with mothering, the sentiment is softer and not about ranking or power; it’s to nurture, look out for, listen to, and invoke feelings of calm. Mothering happens when our primal need to feel valued and loved is being met. We can even mother ourselves.
Anyone can mother
Society perpetuates the idea that nurturing is an inherently female role -but I argue we can mother regardless of who we are and what gender we identify as. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the times I’ve needed to mother myself- after a difficult break-up, choosing to invest financially in myself or not, and before taking a significant risk. Those were times when I had to learn to be my security blanket. And learning to be my security blanket did not come from “parenting” myself. It was distinct from that. Instead, it was nurturing or “mothering” myself through some tough choices. It involved positive self-talk as well as self-belief and compassion.
What is “Mothering?”
Mothering can show up in different forms. We can be mothered by deep conversations experiences, even by other people like aunts, uncles, or grandfathers. We can even mother ourselves. Below are some ways we can do that:
- Listening inward and valuing our own opinions
- Living and making choices aligned with our values
- Being willing to say what we need and resist society’s “shoulds” and expectations
- Being ready to walk away when we don’t feel valued
- Being in 100% belief of our strengths and capabilities
- Talking to ourselves with love and compassion
It becomes a parallel process when we become better at mothering ourselves; we also become better at mothering our children. So through modeling, we are also teaching our children how to mother themselves.
“It means that as I learn my worth, and genuine possibility, I refuse to settle for anything less than a rigorous pursuit of the possible in myself, at the same time making a distinction between what is possible and what the outside world drives me to do in order to prove I am human. It means being able to recognize my succcess, and to be tender with myself, even when I fail.” -Audre Lorde
4 Ways We Can Practice Mothering Ourselves
Particularly in those moments when the people we love cannot offer us the mothering we need, we need to be able to mother ourselves. Here are some ways to practice self-mothering or self-nurturing:
- Make Time For Yourself. When you’re more irritable or snippy, it often means something important to you a value you hold is being threatened. Clue into that and figure out what message your feelings are trying to convey. Give yourself love, compassion, and grace. Speak to yourself nicely. “It’s okay to feel like that.”
- Keep What Makes You Tick Close. Think about what makes you feel like you. If you always listen to music-make sure to weave it into your day. Suppose reading is your passion-have a steady stream of books available; if you love taking walks in nature-go for a walk. If a hot cup of coffee in the morning soothes you and makes you feel human, try to wake up before the kiddos get up and sip your coffee. Steal those moments that help you feel like you. Get to know yourself and what you need.
- Stop Making it about Other People. If you ever think that if another person stops doing something, your life would be better, stop and let that go. Accept that you cannot control other people and instead work on what you can control. Start with yourself; do you consistently do what you are looking for from another person? Do you need to stop speaking to that particular person so often? Could you see them less? Or do you need to speak up about how you feel and what you need to let go of whether they understand or agree? They might not get it, and that’s okay. Be willing to express yourself, lessen the interaction, leave the environment, or push for what you prefer.
- Put up a self-boundary. When others cannot respect our boundaries, and it’s impossible to end all interactions with that person, we can tap into our self-boundary. A self-boundary is about consciously making a choice. Some examples are: choosing not to open a text message, changing our minds, and going back on an agreement if it no longer serves us, deciding to stay home when your partner goes to visit their parents, or silencing the phone call from your partner before a big meeting because you got into a fight earlier.
When we practice self-mothering, we foster tenderness, compassion, and curiosity for ourselves. When something is not feeling quite right, instead of ignoring it, we stop to think about how we can look at the situation differently and see what we want out of the problem, including what we can do to make ourselves feel better? When we are successful at self-mothering, we feel valued and loved. When I work with parents, this is exactly how I help them to shift internally so they can show up differently for their kids.
If you’re struggling and your child is having a hard time and want to show up differently with your child, schedule a call with me today. First, tell me about your struggles, what you’ve tried, and where you want to be. Then, I’ll show you the blind spots and areas of focus that I see. The impact of having the time and space to talk to an expert about your parenting struggles and where you want to be is immense regardless of whether or not we work together.
