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Ah, summer, the days seem to breeze by. Everyone in the family is generally in a good mood. We’re outside and not glued to a schedule. We usually do things at about the same time, but there is a relaxed, not as structured rhythm to it.
Family of four having fun at the beach
Then August hits, and everywhere you look, they’re talking about getting back into the routine, and honestly, it makes me want to scream!
If I’m candid- I’ve been a little angry lately. I wonder what about the transition from summer back to school makes me so angry??
What is it? Upon reflection, I think there is a shift from a summer rhythm to a back-to-school routine, which brings up anxiety. I wonder what it would be like to think about my back-to-school rhythm instead of my back-to-school routine.
Routines are strict and inflexible.
A routine is a sequence of actions regularly followed- sometimes unconsciously, we do it how our parents did it or how some other “successful” people are doing it, and we often follow it blindly. A routine, by its definition, is strict and inflexible. A back-to-school routine indeed makes me, the MOM, solely responsible -the mornings, the afternoons, the activities, the lunches, the homework, the medical forms, and the list goes on. So, to control the chaos, I decide this is what is happening precisely now, and we follow it the tee, enter routines and the POWER STRUGGLES (my defiant, strong-willed child, they especially love a good power struggle, 😉 ).
Rhythms take into account your family’s preferences.
What if, instead of a “routine,” we found a rhythm for the school year? A strong, regular repeated pattern. The pattern comes from your family’s preferences, the natural ebbs and flows of energy, and (bodily) schedule rather than an imposed, sometimes a random sequence of actions. A rhythm requires intentionally choosing simplicity and the courage to minimize activities that distract from your family and values. A rhythm also leaves more time for rituals.
Rhythms allow more time for rituals.
Rituals help us to focus on our values and highlight what’s important to us. They allow us to slow down and connect. Rituals are what help our days to run smoothly. They help get us through the things we sometimes don’t want to do. They are deeply personal. The action of the pattern doesn’t matter as much as what it symbolizes for you. For example, a weekly family morning breakfast can have as much meaning as a weekly family dinner.
The importance of family rituals in everyday life
I understand the skepticism entirely if you believe routines create successful, disciplined people. However, research has found that rituals help with self-control, provide stability, are associated with adolescent’s sense of personal identity, children’s health, academic achievement, and marital satisfaction. It makes sense then that rituals symbolically communicate that “this is who we are” as a family creating a strong sense of belonging for our children.
In real life
For some reason, recently, I have had several 12-year-olds in my therapy practice. The overwhelming theme I’m hearing from them is twofold: one, trying to find personal identity and right now on-trend is finding it by identifying with particular sexuality, and two, is not feeling like they belong. Not only at school with their peers but alarmingly within their own families. As I said above, family rituals are one of the antidotes to both of these concerns.
To get started on having your own family rituals, email me to send you a list of 13 ideas my family and I already do together.
If you’re looking at this new school year as a new year for you, too, then reach out to me so we can create the calm house everyone wants and needs. Book a discovery call to talk in general or call with one question we can explore together.
