“I want my kid to listen without having to yell at him.” Sound familiar? I get it. When we yell, it feels like it’s our kid’s problem; in reality, it’s more about us than them when we yell. Yelling has become the new spanking.
If we only try to stop yelling. It’s not going to work. It’s like putting a band-aid on a gushing wound. The band-aid doesn’t work until we first put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. So we have to “stop the bleeding” by bringing to light the fundamental problems of why we yell that are hiding under the surface. There are four:
1. Our stress response
When our bodies perceive a threat or challenge, our stress response kicks in. We become vigilant and defensive. We prepare to fight or flee the situation; our hearts pound, and our bodies tremble. If the threat becomes so overwhelming that we feel no escape, we often shut down. It is challenging to problem-solve, reason, get creative, talk, or even interact with others during this response. Enter yelling. Our bodies’ response makes sense. It can be helpful for, say, when a bear is chasing us; but, not so much for when our child refuses to listen. The good news is that once we understand how our body responds to stress, we can have more control.
2. Busy, Busy, Busy
The second underlying problem of yelling so much is being too busy or having too much on our plates. Kids hate rushing (who does?) Our patience is thin when the number of roles, responsibilities, or obligations on our plates is overwhelming. We also yell more when we are rushing from one activity to another without a lot of downtime.
3. Enemy vs. Teammate
We yell when we are too attached to an outcome or plan. We often put our agendas as parents ahead of our relationship with our children. By doing this, we put ourselves on an opposing team, and we see our children as enemies rather than teammates.
4. Communication Skills
The final hidden problem is a deficit in communication skills. How often do you hear your mom’s words pop out of your mouth during a yelling match? Oops, there it is—our words matter. When we choose our words carefully, we use the outcome of the disagreement to connect rather than disconnect. And connection breeds cooperation.
If we want to stop yelling at our kids, so they’ll listen when we talk. I mean, really listen; look up from the Ipad or other screen, run over to us at the playground, put down the cookie before dinner, or come to bed; it starts with us. Try bringing these four hidden problems to the light of day and see what you notice.
